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I am mom to an 18 year old boy and identical twin 9 year old boys. I am the wife of a wonderful man. I have had celiac disease for 18 years, and love to share recipes I find or create!

Apr 19, 2011

Being a Mom

I had quite the realization hit me last Saturday. I had a horrible shopping experience at Kohl's, one of those that make you want to cry you are so angry at someone. Well, you want to cry because you can't do what you REALLY want to someone. It was one of those days, after many of those days strung into weeks. My husband had gone on a business trip, leaving me to handle our three boys. I had my mother come stay with us, she was a huge help, but it wasn't the same. While I was backing my SUV up in a Publix parking lot, the lady in the teeny red car behind me was backing up too and hit me. I couldn't see her, don't have a clue how she didn't see me. One of the boys threw a hot wheels and it hit me on that little flap of sensitive skin that sticks out of your ear, which sent a dazzling spray of pain through my head. I bought next school year's math used, and was sold the second edition book and the first edition's solutions... which don't match. See what I mean, one of those strings of bad days?

Well, Saturday as I drove home from Kohl's, I found myself turning the music way up, I love loud music. I caught myself remembering how good it felt to floor my old Camaro. The rush of the smell of gasoline, the car hurtling to 60, the sound the engine made, I suddenly missed all of that. I started remembering what it felt like to be surrounded my car nuts like I used to be - to sit and smoke a cigarette and just "be" for five minutes. I realized I never just "be" anymore, there is always laundry, or dishes, or homework, or "I pee potty mommy" waiting in line. I realized I don't know a single woman with whom I have much in common with, other than being a mother. No one I know likes to work on cars, and honestly I haven't touched one myself in years now. No one I know just up and paints their walls, cabinets, etc. when they don't like the way they look, they ask their husbands to do it or hire someone. I don't even really know many women who like to garden like I do! I don't know if it's that I'm too busy to notice others, or if it's just that I have no hobbies anymore... but I miss having friends that are similar to me. The few friends that I do have are like me - so busy with their own lives and families that we really don't have time for each other. We remember each other once every few months and call, maybe get together for an afternoon, but that's it. Is that how everyone is?

I say all of that knowing I have no time to meet people, and don't really have much time to devote to a friendship. I am married to my best friend, and am thankful for that every day. However - I realized I miss having some "me time" and I don't know how to do that anymore. I live to serve my family, and it's by choice! We bought a somewhat large house, so I have lots of cleaning to do, but knew that going into the deal. I have three boys, and I love being their mom! I chose to homeschool because the school system wasn't giving my son the education he deserved. I knew going into that venture that I would never again have a "day off" from things. That I couldn't Christmas shop without a babysitter anymore! I am a very busy person, because of the type of person I am. I don't let anything lay around waiting to be done, I am a "doer" not a procrastinator. If there are dishes in the sink I have to do them. If there is a baby gate that needs to be moved I just move it. If something needs to be fixed I just fix it. When I found out I needed braces as an adult, I just went and got them. I don't leave things hanging unless I see a reason to delay doing them.

All of that being said I have come to the conclusion that I have lost "me". I have no hobbies anymore, there is nothing that I do for myself really. I did buy myself four pairs of dangly earrings last month, on a whim, and they make me feel nice when I wear them. Otherwise, I am grocery shopping, going over alleles and fractions and decimals, cleaning something, potty training, planning next year's curriculum schedule, weeding a garden, the list goes on and on but it's all for someone else. My husband is wonderful, he rubs my feet when I ask him to and even volunteers to sometimes - those moments are wonderful, when I can just lay and relax, try not to think of anything. The hobbies I had when I was younger were really for younger people who do not have children and house payments - I sold the cars and everything that went with them years ago, and going to dance clubs is for twenty somethings. I quit smoking when we decided to go off the pill, but that's not really a hobby, it's a habit... but it was a release! I don't ever drink alcohol anymore, what if a child woke up and needed me?

I wonder what grown ups do when they don't have children...

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